I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
