i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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