nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
