i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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