At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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