So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
