He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
