Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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