did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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