dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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