I skipped work to stalk him.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
