You're so nebulous sometimes
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
