don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
