when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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