I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.