so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Come share oat with me in your robe