I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
