If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
