i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
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Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
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I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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