I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
