I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
