So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
