Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
