All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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