my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
