hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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