I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
