I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Randomize
