The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
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Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
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you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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