I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
