i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
