youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
