someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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