cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
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