Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I pour the whiskey from now on
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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