Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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