I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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