Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
