Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
