i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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