Your tits are I can't wait for
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
