i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
