Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
