Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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