i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
