i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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