why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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