oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
