Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
