I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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