I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
