I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
