i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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