He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
