I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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