Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
