Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
